What does it mean to “put yourself first?”
The phrase is batted around in personal growth circles and worn like a badge of honor when a person declares they’ve done it.
“I’m finally putting myself first!”
I don’t think putting yourself first is what we think it is.
Let’s break down the elements of a real scenario:
A friend asks me to grab a coffee. They’re going through a tough time, and I know they could use a listening ear.
I feel an obligation to say yes because I care and want to help.
However, I’m recovering from the flu. I’m already exhausted and a coffee date feels like more than I can take on today.
What do I do?
If you said that I should put myself first and take care of my own needs, before I can be there for others, that wouldn’t be bad advice.
Except that putting myself first invents the idea of priority: my needs first, then everyone else’s.
Here’s how it looks to me:
In any given moment, there is only one thing to do, and that’s what I know to do.
In this case, the thing to do might be to decline my friend’s invitation and take a nap.
Or the thing to do might be to suck it up and show up for my friend.
The choice I make really has nothing to do with where I put myself on the hierarchy of values. I mean, I can think of it that way, but the real question is:
What is mine to do?
Telling a story about “putting myself first” feeds the misunderstanding that when my needs are met, someone else’s are not.
It’s so much simpler to stick to my only job – to do what I know to do – and forget about everything else.
We can look at this a different way.
What does it mean to “put yourself last?”
Typically, that would mean that every time someone makes a request of me, I’d say yes, regardless of my personal preferences. So I’m going on the coffee date, giving my friend free coaching, buying her flowers and giving her a massage.
We call that “putting myself last” or more commonly, “putting others first.”
But what motivates me to put others’ needs above my own?
The reason I don’t “put myself first,” when I know taking care of myself is the thing to do, is because I want to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of saying no, or be the martyr so I can feel good about myself.
When it looks like the happiness of others is necessary for me to be okay, putting other people first is actually all about me and getting my own needs met.
Hey, if “putting yourself first” is your intention for 2025 and it works for you, have at it.
But to me, both putting yourself first and putting the needs of others first are all about YOU trying your best to meet your own needs from the mistaken understanding that it’s You vs. Them, a zero sum game where only one of you gets to be taken care of.
Your authentic NO is generous and loving.
There is no competition between your needs and others, except that you’ve made it up as such in your mind. When you do something for yourself, you do something for others, and the reverse is also true.
As Byron Katie says, “There is just one thing to do.”
What do you think about putting your needs first?
I’d love to hear what you think and explore this a bit more. Expand my mind, baby.
Yours in love and play,
Steph
