I woke up one morning eleven years ago with the song playing in my mind:
“This is not my beautiful my house…This is not my beautiful life…My god, what have I done?”
I wanted to explode everything.
This wasn’t the life I had chosen. This wasn’t what I ordered.
Let me destroy this, I thought, and start over. Let me make a new life from the ashes of this one.
The temptation to light the match was nearly irresistible.
Instead, I stayed. Closed the windows and the doors, pulled myself in and forced myself to stare at my own reflection in the mirror.
This IS my beautiful life. This is the thing that I have chosen.
It was a painful thing, relinquishing the illusion of escape from the reality I’d created for myself. It felt like dying.
But slowly, I began to find myself in the detritus.
A new passion, following the breadcrumbs of truth. A new business. A renewed relationship.
I found the tools and teachers to help me. I grew stronger, more aware of my power. The awakening had begun.
At some point my courage faltered. Without the impetus of destruction to compel me, I slid back into acquiescence.
The awakened dragon slipped behind the veil between the worlds, and waited.
Until.
I wake up in the half stupor of the business and the life I’ve created all these years later, and notice that I have not fully chosen.
I am going through the motions of the expected, the routine, that which is done simply because it is how it is done.
I pause, and in that space recognize that I have not chosen my life. I have not been engaged, a partner in the reality I am creating.
And in that space and awareness of my non-choosing lies the ability to choose. Now.
So I take it.
Everything changes in the instant that I choose my life.
While everything is not suddenly immaculate, inspiring, enlivening with that next heartbeat, everything is what it is, and I am there with it. Open, aligned and willing to let it and myself be exactly what they are.
Love your fate.
Love what is.
The awareness courses through my veins, seeps slowly into the fabric of my soul. I am learning to be.
