I spent most of my life trying to feel safe. Trying to convince myself that I was okay.
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How tightly did I cling to those moments when I didn’t feel scared! Even then I felt anxious because inevitably, the good feeling would go away. And then what was I going to do?
So even those good moments had this tension around them.
I’ve chased a lot of things, consciously and unconsciously, to try to feel safe. I think I gave up on my family pretty quickly because there was so much turbulence in my young childhood. It was clear that I wasn’t going to find security in them.
So I created these routines for myself. Even as a little kid I’d put myself to bed on time because I had to get my sleep. My rules would keep me feeling safe. If I was good in school and had good grades, and if people liked me, I’d be okay.
I kept trying different things just to keep feeling okay.
I was drawn to the way I’d sometimes feel in church. It felt closer to what I was seeking. So I devoted myself to God, but I was putting my sense of safety in religion and following the rules again. I held onto the idea that if I did it all right, I’d go to heaven. But I never seemed to be good enough.
I made myself into a believer and kept putting my faith in things: Christianity, Kundalini yoga, exercise, productivity.
I put my faith into my career. My sense of purpose. My sense of self.
And none of those things was always there for me.
What we’ve been looking for has always been with us. I’ve been drawn to it all my life, but how could this be?
You were born this beautiful, bright-eyed explorer, an expression of the infinite creativity of the universe in a form, taking in the world with no sense of itself.
You had no sense of separation from your experience. No judgments of them, whether you were happy and laughing, or crying and in pain, there was no judgment of right or wrong.
And every time your little being settled, you fell right back in the sea of infinite consciousness and love that you’ve always been.
At some point, your little being began to think of itself. It developed a relationship with others through separation. All of that thinking created so many beautiful possibilities for being in the world.
And with it came the misunderstanding that you are your thoughts, and what you think means something about you or the world. When in fact, the sirens of your thinking are only telling you one thing:
It’s time to come home. It’s time to touch that space of infinite consciousness that you really are.
There’s something beyond safety. There’s something beyond belief, before religion, and all the other things that we’ve put our faith in while trying to find our true selves.
I don’t really have words for it, but if you sit with me and drop out of thinking for just a moment, and listen, you’ll find it.
Listen to the pulse of the universe through and around you, and you’ll have a sense of what’s beyond. You’ll know that this feeling is what you’ve been looking for.
And it’s true.
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