I fired my assistant yesterday.
Well, I prefer the term “let go.” It brings to mind releasing a fish I caught and didn’t want to eat, easing it gently back into the water.
Be free, little fish. Be free.
I knew she wasn’t the assistant I was looking for when I read her application. I hired her anyway.
Why did I do that?
Because something told me to do it. I assumed it meant that it was going to work out.
It didn’t.
What gives, Universe? How can you ever expect me to learn to trust my inner knowing if things keep not going my way? Huh?
(My inner petulant child shakes its fist at the sky oh, so indignantly.)
I sent the most gentle letter of dismissal I could manage and got a swift reply.
“Wow. I wasn’t expecting this. I thought things were going great.”
The response gave me pause because it wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Two months ago I let my previous assistant go (I swear I’m not a boss nazi!) and she said the same thing.
It had been clear to me that things weren’t going well, but obviously I wasn’t sending that message. At all.
I asked my husband Jeff, who knows me better than I’d like to admit. “Do I do this a lot?”
He didn’t hesitate. “Yep. You act like everything is fine, and I think things build up and then it’s like it comes out of nowhere.”
Hmmm. I think about this.
It’s very natural and authentic for me to be two (or more) ways about something at the same time.
You’d think I would be Ms. Grumpy Boss when a team member isn’t performing well. But I’m not.
I feel frustrated with them, give a correction…and then I’m supportive, loving and understanding.
And they’re both true.
But…
I’m much more comfortable with that message of love and support than I am displeasure and criticism. As a result, the latter message gets missed.
I’m not letting people see what’s really bothering me.
I’m not sending a clear message of what’s okay for me and what’s not. I’ve been afraid to send a message that I’m displeased or dissatisfied.
This certainly isn’t fair for my team members. And I bet other people in my life would feel it’s unfair, too.
One of the things that drives me nuts about my youngest step-son is when I ask him something and he bullshits me by denying how he feels. As if I can’t tell he’s lying!
“He’s so full of shit,” I’ve said a million times.
I see myself pointing the finger at him and remember those fingers pointing back at me.
Who’s “full of shit” now, eh?
Now I know why I hired a new assistant who I’d fire four weeks later.
She came to teach me….
- Stop repressing your feelings to spare other people. It only hurts them more later on.
- Learn to let people know you’re disappointed and upset in a loving way.
- Don’t wait until the pressure builds to express what you’ve been hiding and then expect others to just “get it.”
I am so grateful to her for giving me the opportunity to notice something about myself that I’ve never seen before.
What are the people and “mistakes” in your life showing you about yourself right now?
