Today I stumbled across an old post left by a frustrated soul-preneur in a Facebook group in 2016 (many moons ago when I used to hang out there) and my response to it. I’ll share because the experience is still common.
WARNING: REAL, RAW AND LONG
Today I am emotional. I am premenstrual. I feel defeated. I feel anxious. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I could go on and on. But writing this post is really really hard. The tears are flowing and my head hurts.
I’m feeling like I want to throw this whole having my own business thing away. And it’s not because I feel I’m not smart enough, or know enough, or don’t know what it takes, it’s because my heart doesn’t want to sell myself or my worth.
I know about launch/sales/marketing funnels, I know about the need to keep showing up on all different mediums to be seen and attract people. But to me that doesn’t feel authentic. Even if the content is ‘authentic’, if it has an underlying strategy then to me that’s not fully authentic, it has some manipulation woven in. But that’s how business seems to work. Well if you want to have a business that generates enough income to sustain myself and my family anyway.
I love sharing content and I do. I love connecting people and sharing their awesomeness and I do. But that’s not a business, it doesn’t pay the bills. It might make me likable or generous or kind or helpful, which it’s fab, because I value those attributes, but again it’s not going to pay for my living expenses.
There is no doubt that I’m really passionate about serving people, making a difference in their lives, helping them to embrace their awesome inside and out. Helping them access their inner wisdom and give them confidence to do things in a way that feels right for them and their life. I just feel like I’m at a point that to attract more people to my work I need to hustle and that feels ‘icky’. I know I have so much knowledge, wisdom and tools to share and a shit load of experience across a number of platforms doing this.
I feel at a crossroads and I don’t know which way to walk. Actually right now I feel like running, running fast to the place that feels warm and real and loving and joy filled and has no hustle and BS and no business to run! I feel done with living a life where I feel weighed down by so much responsibility to be everything but feeling like I don’t know how not to be. I’m sick of spending days on business development and on the computer rather than ‘serving’ more people.
I just want to be in service and help people whether one-one, small group, events, etc but I really hate selling myself. I understand mindset and I know I could reframe the whole selling yourself thing in a way that helps people and focuses on my why, but the bottom line, it’s still selling myself. Some might say it’s a self worth issue, but I’ve checked in with that and it’s honestly not. Promoting other people and their services feels fine and that’s because it’s from my heart and I’m not gaining anything from it. Hence when I’ve been asked to be an affiliate, I’ve declined and said if their offer aligns with my why then I am happy to promote it without being paid to do so.
And for the money mindset coaches, it’s got nothing to do with feeling like I don’t deserve money. Everything I do and want to do comes from my heart so promoting myself with an outcome to sell my services just doesn’t feel good. Which leads me to this feeling of wanting to escape this whole business world!
Little backstory:
In the years after having children, I lost much of my inner power and strength to stay true to myself and my needs. without going into details about that, when my marriage ended, over 4 years ago now, I had made a contract to myself to stay true to myself, my needs, my values, and not fear the consequences. I want to make sure that only do I this for me but that I role model this for my children. Having worked in wellness for about 20 years and always done my own soul journeying work I know all too well the ripple effects of low self worth and I am so passionate about continuously doing my what its takes to keep check of my own worthiness and I know I can I have the wisdom and skills to help other women feel empowered and strong enough to honour themselves and be their best version physically, emotionally and soulfully.. But damn making a business out of it is really testing this self made contract.
If you made it till the end of this post, thanks for listening (reading).
Much love L xxx
Steph’s response from 2016
Wow, L. I’ve said some of these very same things to myself not too long ago.
Thank you so much for your courage and vulnerability! Not only have you rallied these amazing women into your support, you’ve given us the courage to “come out” and share our own challenges.
Here’s my story:
I’ve been studying internet marketing for about 10 years. I am a very, very good student.
Meaning that I have executed product launches to the letter, complete with email blasts, scarcity, last minute “reopens for people who missed out” and the like. I’ve learned to write copy that gets opened. I know how to earn the click.
I’ve told myself it was necessary to “spin” and “hype” to get the attention of these people so that I could truly help them.
For a while it worked fabulously. But now…
I’m tired of the game. It certainly doesn’t feel authentic. And the universe is cooperating in my desire to stop because it’s not generating the same results anymore.
People are sick and tired of being “sold” to. Yet there is a gap that needs to be bridged between where people are currently (inactive in an unhappy situation) and where they need to be to get results (taking action on a solution). Doing that requires — wait for it — strategy and yes, manipulation.
Stick with me here for a minute because “manipulation” is such an ugly word.
All communication is manipulation of a sort because it’s an attempt to influence behavior. The word “manipulation” usually implies a malicious or ill intent, but that need not be so.
A crying baby? An attempt to influence (aka “manipulate”) her parent to take care of her.
Saying “I love you”? An attempt to influence the other to feel our love.
The key here lies (I think) in recognizing that each individual is responsible for his/her own actions and cannot be “manipulated” into anything without being in agreement with it.
Yes, you are responsible for acting in accordance with your conscience, but you are not responsible for how others receive those actions.
WHAT IF YOU CAN BOTH BE AUTHENTIC AND HAVE A STRATEGY?
What if you can lead with your heart and use your head and its tactics as the servant?
What if you can let the soul of your authentic business actually BE the marketing of it? So that the means, the medium and the message are all in alignment?
I believe you can do this. I’m figuring out how to do this for myself right now.
It means throwing out the Rule Book. It means doing things YOUR way, and stumbling around a bit to figure out what that might look like.
You can create a business that resonates with your soul and your life. In fact, you must, if you want a truly authentic business.
It might not look the way you think. It certainly won’t look the way “they” think it should. And that’s absolutely perfect.
I’m serious about navigating these questions and I’m committed to finding the answers for myself first. Then I can offer the possibilities for the rest of us.
Your business is a sacred vehicle. I know it can be done.
What a blast from the past! And now let me answer this fresh in the moment.
Present-Day Steph’s response
Dearest L.
Thank you for your raw honesty and the self-awareness of your feelings.
emotional. defeated. anxious. angry. frustrated.
When we’re in a low mood, the world looks shitty. Trying to fix your situation while you’re upset is like driving with a windshield coated in mud. Your vision is distorted and the path ahead looks hopeless.
But here’s the good news:
You don’t have to do anything to clear it.
Your mind will settle naturally, and when it does everything – your business, your values, your direction – will look different. From that clearer state, creativity and clarity will arise on their own. Because that’s how we’re made.
I could stop there and that would be enough.
But I’ll continue as if I’m addressing you at a time of greater peace of mind, when insights come with greater ease.
It’s clear that you have a lot of thinking about business, money, authenticity and worth.
I’m not going to label them “limiting beliefs” or “money blocks.” They’re simply thoughts that in a low mood don’t look like thoughts at all — they look like reality.
You don’t need a clever reframe or a mindset hack. You just need to see the truth of what’s actually happening.
You’re feeling your thinking. That’s it.
Those painful emotions aren’t proof you’re off track or going against your values. They’re just indicators of low–quality thinking in the moment.
Here’s the truth:
Selling your services doesn’t mean selling out.
Being strategic isn’t being manipulative.
Getting paid doesn’t corrupt your integrity.
It just feels that way sometimes. These are thoughts – not facts.
Your feelings don’t reflect the validity of your actions, but rather the quality of your thinking in the moment. When you see through that, everything changes.
Many heartfelt entrepreneurs struggle with similar thoughts.
But here’s something to consider:
You cannot serve powerfully unless your own needs are met.
If you can’t pay your bills and put food on your table, you won’t be in service for very long.
Your resistance to getting paid is keeping you from performing your greatest acts of service.
When you see through these thoughts, you’ll know that authentic selling and service are the same thing, because true service includes you, too. This isn’t a reframe. It’s the truth.
When selling becomes service, it feels natural. Generous, even. There’s no pressure or convincing, just honest connection.
So to L and anyone who resonates with her story:
You’re not broken. You’re not behind. You’re simply caught up in some very human thinking.
A Final Note About Sharing Your Message
Back in 2016 I knew in my bones that business could be an authentic expression of creativity and service. But I had no clue how to make it real for myself, let alone teach it.
I’ve been pondering, experimenting, writing and sharing my message around business for years. Over time my message evolved, changed and got stronger.
So if you think that Stephanie woke up being able to write story-driven emails that resonate and bring in clients, you’d be dead wrong.
This took time and lots of practice. And I’m still learning.
So if you’ve been giving yourself a hard time because your message isn’t clear or getting the results you want, cut yourself a break, okay?
Just keep showing up.
You’ll find your rhythm and your message, and it will find the people who need it.
Did this exchange spark any questions or insights for you? Comment below and tell me about it. I’d love to hear from you!
Yours in love and play,
Steph
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