I once had a friend who told me he had trust issues. He could not trust other people.
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When he said this to me, I felt confused because I felt no need to trust others. I knew that I could trust myself to know what to do to care for myself.
Looking back, I see a reaction to my lack of trust in others fueling a need for independence and pushing me to depend only upon myself so that I never need to trust others or worry about whether or not they were trustworthy.
What at first looked like maturity was actually hiding a fear beneath it.
I would keep one foot out the door, ready to bolt at any moment, telling myself that I needed no one and nothing. Only me.
Now, when I think about trust it looks different.
I still see that I do not need to trust others because there is something more reliable than that. I do not need to trust myself, not my small self, my personal self, the one who tried so hard to be independent to keep herself safe.
There is something more reliable and dependable than either of those things.
It is possible to go beyond trust, to transcend the need for trust, and we do it every day.
When I am simply here in this moment with no thought of past or future, just here, just now, everything I need appears as I need it. The information, the direction, the guidance.
Everything necessary in this moment is here.
When I am simply here, with no thought of being elsewhere, there is no need for trust. Trust is not even a question. There is simply this. What is.
Once again, I am like a small child moving towards that which draws me, with no thought, with no fear, of the ground shifting beneath my feet.
It is so easy to miss this experience of no-trust-is-necessary, this experience of beyond trust, in which we spend most of our day.
When I open a door, I expect it to work the way that it always has. There is no need for me to trust it.
When I take a step, there is no thought in my mind that the ground will not support me.
There is no trust necessary for almost everything I do.
The only time trust becomes necessary is when I have doubt and fear. When I am, in other words, not present to this moment, but instead I am present with my thinking of insecurity.
The need to trust may be a guide back to this moment where again no trust is needed.
There is something beyond and before trust.
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