Disclaimer: the ugly details of this dream did not actually happen to me in real life.
I’m sitting beside someone that I can’t see. He tells me:
“Now I’m going to show you the source of all your problems.”
It’s as if we’re watching my past on a movie screen. It’s night. My little brother and I are 9 and 10 years old, waiting to board the Greyhound bus across New York to visit my father.
The bus doors open and my brother hauls his suitcase on board. Before I can climb up after him, the doors shut.
I bang on the doors, screaming for my brother. The driver ignores me and the bus pulls away.
I’m left in the dark parking lot. Two men watch me from the shadows. They’re going to throw a bag over my head and drag me off. (I know this with dream omniscience.)
Bad things are going to happen.
I watch this “memory” as if it’s projected on a screen. It should feel terrifying, especially since I know what’s going to happen to me.
Instead I feel:
RELIEF.
Finally! I’m going to know the secret that’s been holding me back all these years.
I can finally let it go.
***
Reflecting on this dream in the daylight, I am puzzled.
I did, indeed, travel across the state with my little brother a few times a year to visit my father after our parents divorced. I was often anxious about getting on the right bus and making our transfers, but nothing “bad” ever happened to me.
This dream is rich with symbols and emotions.
The bus is a feeling of loss and abandonment. Deep sadness bordering on despair.
My little brother is the burden of love and responsibility. He is what I must care for; the suitcases we carry are literal baggage.
The dark is frightening, but also exciting. Anything can happen here.
The men in the shadows are the threatening unknown.
The bag over my head is concealment of my identity. I do not know who I am.
I’m watching this projected on a screen. This is approaching the truth from a safe distance.
The man beside me is also the unknown, my guide. He tells me I am ready.
I want to bring to light the secrets hiding in the shadows. I need to see what it is that I don’t want to know.
It’s still scary.
It’s still dark.
A part of me doesn’t want to go there.
It’s the relief that is the most surprising, until I think about the deeper symbolism of the dream.
I am ready to face the truth:
I do not know who I am.
This is what’s been holding me back.
I am ready to find out.
